Broken
by jennygiraffadil
Summary: Sirius's heart breaks four times in his friendship with Remus. At first, it's just little cracks appearing beneath the surface, until it all clicks together. Some things can't be fixed. Some things don't even need to be.


**Title:** Broken.  
**Pairing:** Remus/Sirius.  
**Disclaimer** I wish.  
**Summary:** Sirius's heart breaks four times in his friendship with Remus. At first, it's just little cracks appearing beneath the surface, until it all clicks together. Some things can't be fixed. Some things don't even need to be.   
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They were spread out across the common room. It was after midnight and a damp breeze slivered through the windows, catching them all on the back of their necks and behind their ears. Peter was asleep, snoring quietly in a high-backed chair in the corner. Every now and then he would inhale sharply and moan as he clutched his stomach; his legs fumbling haphazardly over the edge and his shoe hanging on by a double-knot curled around his toes. James had thrown himself onto the sofa with his eyes closed and, for once, nobody paid him much heed other than the occasional glance over in the shadows of the firelight to check he was still there.

Remus, of course, sat hunched over a table with books falling off the sides, pages flitting with the wind and heavy bags creasing beneath his eyes. Sirius sat with him, reading over his shoulder, and grimacing.

"You missed the year out," he muttered under his breath, hitting low against Remus's ear so only he would hear. His fingers danced across the passages laid open before him as he spoke and he idly creased the corner of a parchment roll when Remus didn't answer.

"It's not in any of these books," he whispered, scratching each sylabble out with a dot of ink, "I wanted to go to the library later and see if I can find it there before I hand it in." 

Remus's lips drew in towards each other tightly and Sirius nodded, reaching over and taking the quill from his fingers before scribbling 1692 in between the words.

Their damp breath flushing over the paper and the heat from the fire made the letters blur into one another slightly, but it was alright. It was perfect. 

Their knuckles brushed against one another across the paper just as their thighs pushed together under the table. And they smiled.

That's when the first crack appeared.

--

"Can anybody tell me what this is?" Professor Slughorn's loud voice boomed through the class. He stood proudly at the front, jutting his stomach out cheerfully as they all settled down into seats.

Remus stumbled with his bag and Sirius grinned.

James was scowling openly at being stuck next to Peter who grasped Potions just as well as he grasped every other lesson - with difficulty.

A sweet smell hung in the air above the room along with idle chatter and comparing notes. Sirius could have sworn he heard a Slytherin mutter about "flowers" and he couldn't help but feel a little bit better.

"It smells like Parchment and damp wood," he mumbled to Remus when he was sure he'd heard too, "And that corner in the library where nobody ever goes."

"Apart from us you mean," Remus smirked.

"Apart from us." Sirius agreed and they laughed.

Slughorn looked pointedly at them before a huge smile burst across his lips, "Boys, boys, boys," he bellowed melodramatically as he wobbled towards their desk, "I don't suppose you're not paying attention because you can already tell me what it is we'll be brewing today?"

They all fell silent apart from James who kept muttering beneath his breath.

Remus looked nervous and flustered as he answered softly, "It's Amortentia," Slughorn nodded, "It's the strongest love potion in the world. It smells different to everyone depending on what attracts them."

Slughorn's roar of appreciation came out in twenty points for gryffindor. He stormed around the classroom detailing every last thing to do, before leaving them to it. James kept glancing over at Lily who pointedly ignored him. Her cheeks were flushed and her perfume spiralled around his head. Peter just looked hungry.

"Parchment and damp wood, Sirius?" Remus grinned, nudging him as they fired up their cauldron. Sirius snorted and laughed.

"Come on then, what do you smell?" he teased. And Remus's grin grew even wider. 

"Wet dog."

The second crack hurt even more. 

--

Sirius was late to breakfast after spending practically all morning starting (and finishing)his transfiguration assignment. He'd begged James for help. He'd even asked Remus but they'd laughed and told him it'd be easily done in an hour. Remus gave him some pointers whilst James just ran after Lily. Peter was still in bed but trailed along behind them by the time they were ready to leave.

He pulled his chair out next to Remus when he finally stumbled down to the great hall, parchment lazily rolled in his hand. His eyes looked tired and his head ached behind his temples but he smiled.

"Do you want my bacon?" Remus asked as he glanced across at him, "I know it's your favourite and you missed all of the rest."

Sirius's eyes brightened as he glanced at his empty plate then up to Remus, "You saved some for me?"

"Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do this for anyone else. Now do you want it or not?"

He shrugged his arm over Remus's shoulders and thanked him as he shoved it down his throat and chewed frantically.

The third crack was the worst. But the fourth is what broke him.

--

Veritaserum. How James had managed to get his hands on veritaserum none of them knew. But they locked the door and mixed it with Peter's bottle of butterbeer, regardless.

"You first!" Sirius laughed, shoving it in Remus's direction but he shook his head and politely declined; passing it on to Peter. And then to James.

"Who is your best friend?" Sirius asked after he'd taken a swig. And they all sat around, staring pointedly.

"Padfoot!" James exclaimed with a grin and they let out a collective breath.

"Who are you in love with?" Peter nudged him and he blushed as "Lily Evans" stumbled from his lips. Sirius clapped him on the back and Remus caught a smirk toying at the corner of his mouth.

It was passed to Peter next and Remus's hand brushed Sirius's on the floor. Their hips pushed against one another and Sirius took the bottle willingly.

"Who -- who do you have a crush on?" James smirked, paling slightly and glancing right across the circle as Sirius stuttered.

"Remus," he mumbled against his will, his fingers trying not to make a grab for him.

James eyes lit up and he pushed the bottle on Remus before he had a chance to react.

"Who do you fancy, Remus?" he asked and Peter looked between them all, bewildered and heady.

He tried to keep hold of the words, to trap them, to stuff them beneath his tongue but the sound of a door slamming as he mumbled the name of a girl from Ravenclaw said more than veritaserum ever could.

--

_"What happened to all of those times you came to me about him? All those questions that we both knew had nothing to do with his wellbeing?" James's face paled as he yelled, a hand gesturing haphazardly at a rather frightened looking set of eyes, "What happened to if only?" _

Remus crouched down on the edge of his bed, tugging sadly at the loose threads on his robes, "It's not like that," he whispered. And James marched forwards.

"Not like what, exactly?" he growled, the gleam from his glasses glowing fiercely in the dark, "Not like what, Remus? Because the last thing I heard you had a crush on him -- you fancied him. And after what happened -- what we did --"

"I don't have a crush on him," Remus rushed out in one breath, sighing in flushed gasps as his head rolled back, uncomfortably, on his shoulders; before staring at the floor, "That's just it. That's why. It's not a crush James."

Their eyes met across the room. 

"_I'm in love with him."  
_


End file.
